Singles Exempted from Lottery

From Contributing Writer: L.G. Piper

Following a ruling made by a class decision, singles are now exempted from the lottery system determining regional campus location. During the debate, many compelling arguments were made. Thankfully, the majority was in support of exempting singles from the process. Tim Despatrick gave a moving speech pointing out the hardships that singles must go through including Singles Awareness Day (more commonly know as Valentine’s Day). He also mentioned the pain each single must feel as new engagements are announced almost daily. Concluding Tim Despatrick’s speech, the audience gave him a standing ovation shouting, “Onward, Timothy!”

The new exemption officially reads, “They are single, with a reason.” Armed with this new decision, singles will now be able to submit their exemption forms and secure spots at satellite locations. “It’s not as easy as easy as it sounds,” stated Steve Darris. “Any single requesting exemption must provide full documentation that they are, in fact, single and include compelling reasons as to why they are single.”

There are a few skeptics about the new ruling. Mary Kate Fortune, a married student, replied, “I am concerned that individuals will game the system. I don’t want people running out and cancelling their engagements just so they can become exempt.”

Stacey Satellite was grateful for the recent turn of events. This past Valentine’s Day, she received a romantic note from her special someone. The note’s last line queried, “Will you marry me? Circle Yes, No, or No Opinion.” Much to the dismay of the writer, Stacey chose “No Opinion.” She commented, “I’m grateful that I won’t be deciding whether or nor to get engaged or married until after second year. Otherwise, I would have completely forfeited my chance for exemption. Until then, my opinion is no opinion.”